Monday, March 4, 2013

JOURNEY TO SELF.............!!!


Next time, next time someone asks me who I am
I’ll tell them. I’ll tell them that I’m - an amazing
God like specimen painstakingly crafted in God’s own
Image and I’ll mean every single word of it.

For far too long all I felt was invisible
I didn’t like myself, couldn’t recognise my self
So every time I stepped out confidence was lacking
And questions were abounding

Looking around me didn’t help, it just made
Me wonder why my face wasn’t spotless
Why I wasn’t taller, why my boobs didn’t grow quicker
My hips weren’t wider, my waist not smaller
My teeth not whiter, my stomach not flatter
My grades not higher, my swag not flyer
This  could go on forever, basically the world made me wonder

And every time I stepped out confidence
was lacking And questions were abounding
So I just wanted to be invisible. With teenage
years came cross continental migration and that
Didn’t help matters. You see this new culture was
such a frustration, my new peers – I couldn’t understand
a fraction, with so much opportunity, their dreams
Somehow never achieved conception

Morality was missing in action
Fun was identifiable by a long list of regrettable actions
They existed just to be the centre of attraction
And I to them was a side distraction
My name - they mangled beyond recognition
My accent - they ripped to shreds with no contrition
My feelings they crushed with no emotion
And I couldn’t find myself in all of their commotion
So I felt invisible, wanted reality to match my emotion
Felt invisible craved a confidence that only comes with
True self-definition, So I set out to find myself

At first, I moulded myself into the image of their perfection
And when they said I was beautiful, I guess --I was
I lived for those moments when showering me with compliments;
I saw glimmers of that confidence that person I so badly wanted to be

I didn’t know who I was so I sold whatever that was at a high price
Just so I could hear someone say you are beautiful
Choosing to forget that when he called me beautiful he wasn’t giving me an upgrade
He simply acknowledged what God made,

I became almost all their expectations
Only to find that the new me - wasn’t matching my expectations
I didn’t know who I was
But I had to be - I was I had to be worth more than that

With that realisation I took my first steps on the road to who I am
Saw a sign defining bondage as allowing my self worth
 To be determined by others’ subjective limitations
So I found a standard that wasn’t subject to permutations
Salvation set me free from self-imposed incarceration
Now my self worth is defined only by the Creator not his creations
I opened Psalm 139 and found my true definition
It wasn’t linked to my profession, or my current situation
It didn’t fluctuate with emotion; in fact it made me rise out of
Depression, I opened it and it said
I am fearfully and wonderfully made
And with that discovery history was made

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
So if for some reason you  don’t behold mine
It doesn’t dismantle what God made
My confidence has totally been remade
And my value it’s not manmade
I know who I am so I can embrace what I am
I’m 5 foot 4 of intelligent, beautiful awkward awesomeness
Who is fearfully and wonderfully made

On those days when I wake up daring to forget what God has made
When the confidence of yesterday has somehow been mislaid
I react on purpose until my misgivings are allayed
Repeating to myself in the mirror of life
I am not invisible; I am not worthless
I am not invisible; I am not worthless
I am not invisible; I am not worthless
I am 5 foot 4 of intelligent, beautiful awkward awesomeness
Who is weirdly, wonderfully, fearfully and awesomely made
And I dare you to prove different
Because this is who I am

An amazing god like specimen painstakingly crafted in God’s own image
This is who I am. Now tell me,
Who are you?

©ToluAgbelusi 2012


Tolu Agbelusi is a performance poet with an uplifting message delivered in a heartfelt manner that engages across generational divides. She speaks about the human condition with an endearing sincerity. More of her poems can be found on her blog 

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